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Jarrett Heather
Jarrett Heather's Journal
Question of the Morning...
What would you say is the most important advice you could give to someone just getting out of a long relationship?
28 comments or Leave a comment
princessapril From: princessapril Date: April 26th, 2002 07:58 am (UTC) (Link)
To make sure to remain friends with the other person if at all possible. Even though it hurts now, the relationship was substancial, and much time was spent with this person- good and bad- and being out of the relationship is shock enough, but to lose the friendship that was shared is more drastic than the pain spending time with them NOW will bring.
jarrett From: jarrett Date: April 26th, 2002 08:02 am (UTC) (Link)
I'll take that advice to heart. Thank you. :)
princessapril From: princessapril Date: April 26th, 2002 08:06 am (UTC) (Link)


You're welcome.
I know that this whole thing is hard on both of you... and as much as I want to say "Just get back together already! I love you guys separately, but I loved it when you were JULIEANDJARRETT so much!!!!", which is selfish for me to feel, of course, especially since I don't know the circumstances that led to the breakup. I love that neither of you are mudslinging, and that you both legitimately still care about and respect one another. It says a LOT for your character.
jarrett From: jarrett Date: April 26th, 2002 08:08 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you again for all the kind words.
princessapril From: princessapril Date: April 26th, 2002 08:10 am (UTC) (Link)


:) *hugs*
webdiva From: webdiva Date: April 26th, 2002 08:05 am (UTC) (Link)
I agree w/ april remaining friends, if it's a possibility is always a good thing. Also I would say for them to not jump into something else "new" immediately... Many people do that because they have this huge void after being w/ someone so long. Personally I prefer to take a nice breather and get to know myself again without as a single person, but that's just me. ;)
jarrett From: jarrett Date: April 26th, 2002 08:14 am (UTC) (Link)
Yeah I certainly don't plan on getting into another relationship any time soon. It's a really good, proud feeling to be standing on my own feet, although I have to give a little credit to my wonderful friends who helped me along.

I do feel that void, but I'd rather fill it with something other than a hasty, disasterous relationship. A lot people are so afraid of being alone that they'll find a new love before even beginning to let go of the old one. It's a human weakness.

You know women, mate. Like monkeys, they are -- won't let go of one branch until they've got hold of the next.
webdiva From: webdiva Date: April 26th, 2002 08:42 am (UTC) (Link)


HEY HEY not all women are like that! LOL But i agree many are, i have friends that HAVE to have a man all the time and then they end up settling for shit. I on the other hand can do bad by my damn self, sure don't need a shitty man for that, would rather wait and find someone who is "right". ANyway I don't know you really, :) but hang in there, as they say in time things will get easier. ;)
jarrett From: jarrett Date: April 26th, 2002 08:48 am (UTC) (Link)
Thanks. I know I'm strong enough emotionally to avoid that pattern of behavior. I'm not just looking forward to the single life, I'm enjoying it right now.
gravilim From: gravilim Date: April 26th, 2002 08:12 am (UTC) (Link)
I think remaining friends is possible, and a good thing...but you don't have to try and be close right away. Get the space and time you need to heal and think things through (and so they can do the same) and then go back to it. You don't have to avoid them...but not hanging out seems to be a good idea.

A long and serious relationship? Don't date for a while after...

And especially at first? Keep yourself busy busy busy...

I think that's more than two cents, but it's worked well in the past, and YMMV, and they're just opinions... :)
jarrett From: jarrett Date: April 26th, 2002 08:16 am (UTC) (Link)
Wise words indeed. I'm seeing a theme forming in the advice so far.

Thank you.
gravilim From: gravilim Date: April 26th, 2002 08:47 am (UTC) (Link)
There is certainly a common theme. :)

Good luck, I hope it gets easier soon. At least you have some kickass friends around. :)
jarrett From: jarrett Date: April 26th, 2002 08:49 am (UTC) (Link)
Things get better every single day.

I do have some awesome friends. May I never take them for granted.
cynica From: cynica Date: April 26th, 2002 08:17 am (UTC) (Link)
Go out and have fun.

jarrett From: jarrett Date: April 26th, 2002 08:18 am (UTC) (Link)
Ha! I'm way ahead of you on that one! :)

I love my friends.
From: ex_mrflagg Date: April 26th, 2002 09:36 am (UTC) (Link)

thats what i was thinkin


From: (Anonymous) Date: April 26th, 2002 09:37 am (UTC) (Link)

My 2 cents

In my opinion, the best thing to do would be to do things that guys like and girls hate. Because, chances are that the only time you will be able to do these things are now. Think about all the things that you wanted to do but could didn't because the gf wouldn't approve.
From: qtkat Date: April 26th, 2002 09:59 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: My 2 cents

I never disapproved of anything.
jarrett From: jarrett Date: April 26th, 2002 10:01 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: My 2 cents

From: qtkat Date: May 1st, 2002 09:10 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: My 2 cents

what did i disapprove of?
name one.
From: (Anonymous) Date: April 26th, 2002 11:19 am (UTC) (Link)

don't date fat chicks.
From: (Anonymous) Date: April 26th, 2002 05:52 pm (UTC) (Link)

the fat chick thing

fat gals are loyal and very hot in bed...I'm a former fatchick,,now medium size 10...I LOVE vuluputuous..14 + ROCKS,but what does this do to help jarret?
jarret ,,your doing just fine,,keep up the friends and laugh over the cable shows "change of heart" and "elimidate".
Hey , now you are single you can sign up for these shows.. LOL
jarrett From: jarrett Date: April 26th, 2002 05:58 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: the fat chick thing

It's not fair to generalize. All people are individuals. You can't assume that a fat girl will be loyal and horny any more than you can assume a thin girl is a decietful and frigid.

I'm actually a big fan of "Blind Date", personally.
samslife From: samslife Date: April 26th, 2002 11:25 am (UTC) (Link)


Finally, an LJ'er ASKING for advice. Now I can speak, yeaaaah!

My advice?

Give yourself time - and be nice to yourself. I found I was trying to blame myself for a lot (you might not be in this situation) but I was blaming me for not being a certain way, not being tenacious to make it work, not being relationship "ready" that kind of stuff.

Second, and more importantly, as hard as I tried, the friendship thing hurt too bad in the beginning, especially when he started dating. So I took a break from our "friendship" and somehow managed to find another happy whole life without him - and then we started up again. But as friends. And I gotta tell you, ten years later he's still my very best friend, even as I'm living with another man. It turns out we make much better friends than we ever did as lovers, and in a weird way, we're closer now than we were then. We always played that love/hate thing, now we can speak honestly and know we've only made the committment to being just tolerant friends...but we don't have to live together anymore (thank god!) so I get over it now and then call him back. I'm standing up as Best Lady (instead of Best Man) for him in his wedding this fall. Go figure???!!!

Ooops, I intended to write advice for you - then got caught up in my own thoughts here.

Ehem,...okay then, one more piece of advice: Get your own place, or at least your own room. I'm a girl, but my old boyfirend told me when he got his own place, he felt like King of His Castle and it made him feel safe and more powerful - since the break-up seemed to sap him of a lot of his "mo-jo", manliness and confidence. Something like that anyway.

Best of luck to you in this transition Jarrett. I've followed you and Julie for awhile now and wish you both a quick return to happier feelings.

latitude11 From: latitude11 Date: April 26th, 2002 11:52 am (UTC) (Link)
Be good to yourself. Be openminded and optimistic about the future. Enjoy all the facets of being single, since you know you won't be single forever. Don't do anything you will regret five years from now. Take every day one step at a time.. healing from an ended relationship is a process... it takes time so be patient with yourself as you go through the motions. With that know, that in this time, you will evolve as a person as well. When the time comes, remember that your new partner isn't the last one.. don't direct judgement on that partner because of the past one's mistakes. Remember the next relationship is always better, somedays it might just be what you need to look forward to, to get you through a day.

I believe that it can be nurturing to remain friends, in many cases the basic friendship doesn't have to go away because the love grew apart. But, that's not always in your control, not everyone is strong enough to handle friendships, so remain grateful for the time you did have together, for the lessons learned and the life shared.
From: (Anonymous) Date: April 26th, 2002 03:41 pm (UTC) (Link)

Two Words

Fiji-ean Whores!
lordremo From: lordremo Date: April 26th, 2002 07:10 pm (UTC) (Link)

I can see WHY those guys were anonymous!

Ahem... well I can give you two bits of advice, my boy.

1. You should modify the level of respect between the two of you. You tow were close for like 2 years... it's easy to still think like you can be acceptable in actions and deeds like when you were together; it's not. Accept the new levels of privacy, understanding and individuality each will develop. Fight the jealosy, resentment and suspicion that may creep into your feelings... because you are still friends. Look forward to the hopes of both having a better life, and not back to why things came apart.

2. Stay away from the video games... BAD,BAD EVIL GAMES! They will suck your life away from you. SOCIAL interaction, DAMMIT!!!

That is all.
From: (Anonymous) Date: May 21st, 2002 05:01 am (UTC) (Link)
Umm, my advice is that if two people can remain friends after having been lovers, than you can rest assured that it was a good decision to end the sexual relationship. Friendships you can have with many many people, that's one of the gifts of life. Intimate relationships full of passion and jealousy, and "there is NO WAY another guy will have you!" kind of desire is another gift that shouldnt be missed out on and they are far rarer than friendships. I don't mean a restraining order kind of passion, I mean the good stuff, the worshipping the ground she walks on and finding her the hottest thing alive and her being your best friend. This exists and can go on for a whole lifetime lived together, even after the initial thrill of a budding romance is gone. This kind of relationship is so valuable that you shouldn't let anything get in the way of finding it. Very few people really find it, but when you do, you'll know. Did you see the movie "Erin Brokovitch"? Erins boss, he talked on the phone to what seemed to be his lover, an extra marital affair because he was so luvvy dovey to her, but it turns out it was his wife. Than later we hear so many words of love and respect for his wife throughout the movie and than in interviews with the real guy, well, THAT was a person who had found the ONE. It's so so rare...Break your ties with the relationship that wasn't the ONE, and get some distance and some new rules of conduct between you two. The intimacy you had needs to be severed. You shouldn't be able to rely on her during your times of loneliness, and neither should she rely on you. You might fall back into the relationship, and than you would be losing valuable time. It's serious road ahead, with the chances of your finding the ONE dwindling as you get older. No lie, the good ones get snatched up quick so don't be foolish. I can't tell you how many fine men and women I know who are still alone in thier 40's, successful, good looking, nice. And lonely. The only explanation I can find is that they never found the ONE, and couldn't settle for less. But you know, they never really worked at finding the person. You must strive for true love as you do for money. You work 8 hours a day for money, do you think, plan, work that hard to find the GIRL? Think carefully about your initial steps after this serious breakup, and follow your gut instinct about how to take care of yourself first. Your first responsibility is YOU, not your ex or your friends, than you can help others. Good luck! Also, ask you mom what you should do, she won't steer you wrong.
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