Jarrett (jarrett) wrote,

Strange Days

I've been sick for a week and a half now. It started out as a sore throat chest cold sort of deal, but that cleared up in favor of a nice head cold sinus thing. The drugs are keeping my symptoms in check pretty well, but I still feel completely devoid of energy. I only worked two days last week, and most the other days I stayed home and napped a lot.

The last two weeks have been very strange. A lot of unexpected things have happened. I haven't really been posting because I didn't really have a good perspective on how I felt about everything that was going on.

It all starts with Danielle. I haven't really talked about the nature of my relationship with her in specific terms. And even if I had been inclined to, our relationship was so complicated it would be difficult to explain the nuts and bolts of it all. We never really dated, like, in the traditional sense. We were friends, then we were the best of friends, then we were slightly more than friends… but always slightly less than what I wanted us to be. I never really felt that I'd be able to make her happy, and as time went on, my insecurities made it hard to see any sort of future with her.

So I began to let go of any hope that we'd end up having something serious. Back on the 18th we had some sort of lapse in communication. It was just a simple misunderstanding, but it was enough to make me give up altogether.

The next day, someone new came into my life -- a very sweet girl who needs not be named. We hit it off immediately. If you are the sort of person who believes in fate, you might say that there's a reason that she came along exactly when she did. We met for lunch that day, then dinner, then the next evening and the day after that. Things moved along very quickly. I didn't mind so much. I've never been the type who was afraid of getting hurt, but I really should have been thinking differently.

I grew to care for her in an extremely short period of time, and I could sense she was getting exceedingly attached to me. But there was always a doubt somewhere in the back of my mind. At first it was easy to suppress. As quickly as things were moving, I expected that we'd reach a point where I'd fall for her and I'd suddenly feel okay about what I was doing. But it didn't work out that way.

Being that all my relatives are so far away, she invited me to spend Christmas with her family. I accepted. I was excited about it, too. On Christmas Eve I packed my bags and I was all ready to go when she came to pick me up. But things didn't go as we had planned. It just didn't feel right. My little doubts grew into a feeling of uncertainty that I could not get out of my mind. I was very confused, but somehow I knew I was taking steps in the wrong direction. Not just little steps, but giant leaps and bounds. It felt absolutely terrible to do it, but I sent her home by herself so I could be alone and figure out what I needed to do.

And I thought about it. You see, when I let go of Danielle, I was really giving up a lot more than I knew I had. It's a shame I had to break her heart to finally understand that. Not only that, but my feelings for Danielle are a lot stronger than I'd ever realized. And it's a shame I had to break the heart of an innocent girl to figure that one out, too. That was hard. Her only mistake was trusting me more than she should have. I'm just going to be that guy who walked into her life and trampled on her heart and walked out, and that's a little hard to live with. But I couldn't see things through to some easier conclusion just to spare her feelings. That's not really fair to anyone.

Danielle and I have not exactly had a textbook romance. But as for now, we are together, and we are in love. As of Christmas Day, we've started using the words "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" for the first time, which is great, because I was never too good at explaining exactly what we were before.

It's been a rough couple of months. There have been a lot of ups and downs. I've been dealing with a lot of confusion, conflict and uncertainty, but now everything seems clear. I don't know exactly where things will go with Danielle, but I know that we're going the right direction, and I'm perfectly happy with where we are today.

And that's all I have to say about that.
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